When is the right time to acknowledge your father?

I have so much to tell but nothing to say. Butterflies in my stomach when memories take me back, way back when I still remember how you taught me steer remote vehicle control or how we together with brother and sister under the blanket waited for our mom to return home from a night shift. Unfortunately I have only a few solid memories on you because you left this world when I was five. After you left this world so did my mother in a way. I was all alone.

They said: “He shed no tears,” when I was saying last goodbye to you at a funeral. They said I didn’t experience true puberty or was allowed to be a child in my childhood because I had to replace you. I can’t describe my words how I missed you. Unfortunately I wasn’t allowed to have you near me. When mother cried for the most part of my childhood it was better to stop mentioning you. Expecting from a child to take care of mother is wrong on so many levels and mostly - impossible. Now I see that. Did you feel my pain? Were you aware of my fears and did you see my loneliness? Where were you when I needed you the most? Unlike at our last goodbye, I’m shivering and trying to finish this letter with shaking hands. Oh my father, how I miss you. I can finally say that out loud: “I miss you father!”

I had turned a new chapter in my life now and as you might know I have created myself a real home. A real home I had desired for way too many years. A home where I can be myself and I am accepted for who I am. Now I also understand the horror my siblings were living and still are after you left us because they still have to take care of my mother. Maybe because she never receovered from the accident from over 20 years ago and maybe because she never acknowledged her children also lost their father.

You mean the world to me. Once again you are in my life. For no reason I feel your presence again. Please don’t ever leave me alone again. You are my father and you always were. The one and only. I now know you are proud of what I have achieved so far and most of all I know you are proud of me as a whole. I love you 4E.

Since I grew up without a father I know how important is to have one beside you when you are growing up. I hope I will make a decent father.